I’m sick.

I’ve fallen behind on my P365. I feel terrible. Currently dealing with a cold. Thankfully, I don’t have a fever. Must’ve caught it from work or something. Maybe public transit too?

I picked up some extra hours for work today. Then I went straight home. It was pouring this afternoon. It’s like it’s winter all over again in the city. Rain, please go away!

I slept for 6 hours straight. Just had some soup and a bit of rice, meat, and veggies. I’ve been drinking water and orange juice.

Netflix has been my entertainment. I’ve quarantined myself in my room. Don’t want to expose the family to my germs.

Warriors and Giants won. Woo! That’s my Saturday. Hope everyone had a great day!

Good night.

b

Reminiscing.

now playing: Sleep All Day – Jason Mraz

I haven’t listened to his old stuff in a while. Jason Mraz was a big part of my teenage years and into my twenties. His music was my comforter.

There’s been a lot of self reflection this week. I’ve found myself on the verge of tears sometimes. The feeling of loss is something. There’s a lot of sadness, but it puts everything into perspective. I’m doing my best to live well! I may lack sleep sometimes, but despite feeling tired I still keep going.

I tried to get back into “dating”, but I’m pretty much dating myself. What I mean by that is simply this. Well, my sister made this connection. My chronic conditions are my relationship. Ups and downs! Pretty much what a relationship entails. Didn’t ever see it that way. I’m not sure if anyone will ever come along for the ride, but I’m okay with that. I’m content knowing that I’m taking care of myself. And hey, if someone comes along, that’s fine. Just keep up with me. I’m unstoppable. πŸ™‚

That’s my word vomit for the night. I also had quite a day. To keep it short: people with terrible attitudes suck. Super toxic. But that’s on them, not me.

Getting sleepy. Good night.

b

Isolation.

As of late, I’ve felt a void. I really miss my friend, Sarah. It hasn’t been the same since her passing.

I’ve been much more vocal with my own personal struggles with my chronic conditions. I think the first step is acceptance. When I was a teenager, I was so ashamed and in denial. I didn’t want anyone to know. I already felt different from my peers. It was tough trying to fit in and finding that group of friends that would support you through it all. As I got older, I found those people and to this day they still have my back. You know who you are. Thank you for all of your love, support, and affirmation through the years. Encouragement goes a long way! ❀

Sarah was a strong advocate for Lupus awareness. It’s reignited a lot inside of me to create more visibility and awareness. Many still don’t know what the condition is and what it does to a patient’s body. Especially the side effects of medication.Β Every patient is different. Some symptoms are shared. It really is a snowflake condition. There’s so much research being done to find that cure. But I’m hopeful. And I’ll continue to be.

I want to honor Sarah’s memory the best way that I can. I’m planning to participate in the Lupus walk this year. But it’s been tough. I miss sending her messages and checking in whenever we could. I definitely cherish all the college memories we had together. Thank you for reaching out first and most especially your friendship. I’ll never forget your kindness.

You’re truly missed, Sarah. ❀

b

Life stuff.

It’s been a heavy month for me. I’m still processing and grieving on my own terms. At times I’m sad and sometimes I’m okay. Grief isn’t linear.

I’m looking forward to April! So much happening, but I’m very excited.

I plan to continue on with my photo project this year. I just have to factory reset my laptop because I’m running out of space. I’m hoping I have everything backed up. That can be a bit tedious. 😬

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I’ll be back!

Bernadette

P.S. Baseball is here! I’m so happy. Giants are in LA the next few days. BEAT LA!!! πŸ™‚

RIP Sarah. πŸ’œ

I’ve been processing so much in the last 24 hours. I’m so sad. Today was a heavy day for me, but I went about with my routine. I thought of you throughout the day.

Ultimately, I just want to say thank you. When I transferred to UC Davis, it took a lot of adjustment with upper division classes, making friends, socializing, and getting used to Davis itself. When Kengar connected us, I was grateful. I didn’t feel so isolated and I had someone to lean on about everything. Thank you for reaching out. I still remember chatting on FB Messenger and sharing our stories with each other.

I’ll remember the Lupus walks we participated in together. It was empowering to be in that shared space. Your advocacy was inspiring. The picture above was the last walk we did together before you went off to SD and then Hawaii. Social media kept us connected. Even from afar, you were a cheerleader!

You’ve impacted my life in so many ways. I’ll miss your presence, your smile, and especially your laugh. Thank you again for your friendship. You’ll truly be missed. Rest well, beautiful warrior. I love you. πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ #LupusWarriors

Bernadette

Healing.

It’s been a week of solitude. I’ve also been around my sisters a lot. They give me STRENGTH.

I’m healing in many ways. I’ve decided to reach out to my therapist again. It’s nice to have another voice you can reason with, whether you’re dealing with the good or the bad. It felt great to reconnect again!

I’m looking through my pictures and hoping to start posting again. Slowly getting back to my usual routine. I hope everyone’s been doing well!

I’d also like to mention Natalie Corona, a rookie officer who was killed in Davis a few days ago. Davis has a special place in my heart. So many college memories! I couldn’t believe it when I heard the news on social media. Gone too soon. Thank you for your service. RIP. ❀

It’s a new week! Hoping to tackle a lot. I’ve been watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. Her folding methods are awesome! Haha.

Sending you all good vibes!

b

LET ME THINK 29.

I’m not in a good place right now. 2019 just started and there’s too much going on.

Mental health is important and I’m taking steps to take care of myself holistically. These last few days have been difficult. Being belittled and feeling insignificant is damning.

But I’m taking my power back.

I’ll be on hiatus for now. I still want to complete what’s left of my 2018 weekly photo entries. But I’m quite broken and incomplete. I just need time to myself.

Thanks and see y’all on the other side!

b