Finals week.

I’m all over the place right now and processing a lot of feelings and emotions. It started a few days ago. I’m sitting with it, but I’m unsure what to do with myself.

I’m in need of a mental break from work and school. It’s coming, but I have a few more days! Can’t wait to be done with finals.

This year came and went. I was on survival mode the last few months: hospital stays + major surgery. As I’m trying to get back to my usual way of life, lots of changes have popped up. I’m feeling some type of way. 😭 Goodbyes are hard for me. I’ve never liked them.

So I’m in this weird place of trying to be okay with the change, still holding on, but I know it’s time to let go. 💔 It all feels rushed and I think I need to be okay with not getting proper closure.

I’m stubborn and I want it done my way, but we all know that’s not how life works!!! Yeah, I’m still processing.

I cried a few days ago because I was really sad. Now I feel okay, but I’m still sad. Sighhh.

I know I’ll be alright. It’s just going to take a bit of time.

That’s all I wanted to say. Good night.

b

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I already miss Japan.

I got home on December 2nd. Still dealing with jet lag. Been sleeping on and off. I’m awake now so I’ve decided to type out some thoughts.

I had a beautiful time out there! I didn’t get to do everything so I’m already planning my second visit. ☺️ The last few months were challenging for me, so I was happy to reward myself with a trip.

Long plane rides are torturous for me. I couldn’t stay in my seat either. I had to get up and walk + use the bathroom. Had to keep the blood flowing. Decent seat neighbors. Plane food was pretty good too.

The goal right now is to save and pay off bills! I spent a lot out there, but I have no regrets. Missing all of the food! 😭

The highlight of my trip was seeing Mt. Fuji! Going to Puroland too. I was also able to navigate transit. I’m so proud of myself!!!

Now I’m back home trying to get back to normal life. Missing some people that I hope to see very soon. Life is already changing. Please slow down just for a bit.

Good night. 💜

b

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Coach Beam.

It’s tragic and heartbreaking what happened to him on Thursday. I was stunned when I saw the headline.

I didn’t know about him until Last Chance U. I watched a bit of that season, but now I’ll have to finish it.

I never formally met him, but we were on the same flight home from JFK to SFO back in 2024. I had to do a double take. He was rocking his green, so I knew it was him!! He was on the phone. I wish I would’ve said hello and shook his hand, but that’s okay.

JUCO football is still fairly new to me because I didn’t pay much attention to it before I transferred to UC Davis. But now, I fully support it!!! I’ve got a friend on the Laney football team who is about to transfer to a D1 school. We’re bay rivals, but I still support him. 😂

It’s hard to wrap my head around everything at the moment. Coach Beam gave so much to Oakland. He was a pillar for the East Bay, the Bay Area, and beyond. Football lost a great one.

His final year of coaching was the 2024 season. I was fortunate enough to see a game at Laney last October. I saw him on the sidelines.

RIP Coach Beam. You’ve touched so many lives!

Photo credit: John Beam

2 claps, ready ready. 🦅💚

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Life update.

Hi!

It’s been a few weeks. I’m now two weeks post-op. Things are healing nicely and I got the pathology report/results yesterday during my follow-up. All good news!!! I’m relieved. I’ve also been cleared to fly. I’m ready!!! 🇯🇵

Still not working atm. Might squeeze in a few shifts before my trip. We’ll see.

Need to catch up on school stuff later. It’s been raining heavily in the Bay Area today. Sighhh.

I haven’t slept at all. I was feeling restless. But I’ll try to knockout after this call. I’m sleepy now!!! I wasn’t a few hours ago. Ugh. 😒

Alright. Ttyl!

b

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5 days.

Surgery day is fast approaching and I’m taking care of everything that I can beforehand. That means laundry, cleaning, making sure I’m getting rest, eating well, and packing a bag for the hospital. I’m nervous! Very anxious too, but I know it’s for the best. I wanted to reach out to someone, but I think it’s best not to right now. 🥲

There’s a lot of pre-surgery prep. Need to remind myself to stay away from certain foods and drinks. Can’t have caffeine this week. Gahhh! Not even salmon. I wanted a poke bowl. Next time.

I know I’ll be in good hands. But I’m praying and thinking positive.

Sports is keeping me preoccupied! Go Blue Jays. Been a Springer fan since his Astro days. BEAT LA!!! 🩵

I’ve also bought hella Niner gear. I am not ashamed. I love my damn team. LFG!!!

It’s my Monday. There’s a ton of stuff I need to deal with academically too. This week feels like an eternity. A day at a time.

I’m ready to ko! Good night.

b

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Welcome back.

I resume my normal life today. Almost two weeks ago, I was admitted to the hospital for a gnarly virus. Shingles! 😭 I went to general medicine for a checkup. They swabbed the area and prescribed me oral antivirals. I was on it for two days and I could tell it wasn’t working. The pain was getting worse and lesions were spreading.

I decided to call out for work and haul ass to urgent care. From there they referred me to the emergency department. I had to wait a bit because it was a busy Saturday! Once I got to the back, I was told I was being admitted. And I knew that’s where I was headed. I bought a few things from home as a just in case like my night guard and phone charger. My admission turned into 10 days!!! I was on IV antivirals up until the last day. Still on pain meds for my nerve pain. I hope it isn’t long term. Ahh!

I’m all caught up with school. Just need to lock in for next week too bc it’s midterms!!! This has been a challenging semester already. I’m tired. I have upcoming surgery at the end of the month. I hope Japan can still happen for me tbh!

I was in an isolation unit at the hospital so I’d only see doctors, nurses, PCAs, CNAs, and custodial staff throughout the week. TV kept me company and so did music. My stay allowed me to slow down, reflect, and practice gratitude. UCSF took great care of me! Very thankful for that. I got to see the beautiful SF skyline, sunrises, and sunsets during my time in the hospital.

I have a newfound appreciation for those in medicine. There were a few nurses that didn’t have the best bedside manner and definitely lacked attention to detail. Overall, I’d give my stay an A!!!

The last sunrise I saw before being discharged later that day. 🌞🙏

Ready to finish strong this week! I look forward to seeing many familiar faces. 🙂‍↔️

Good night.

b

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Life update.

Doc called me yesterday. More testing needs to be done. I’m being referred to another specialist. I’ve cried a few times already. I’m anxious and I’m scared. Just trying to breathe through it all. 😭

I’m grateful to my medical team, my family, and my friends. I know they’re supporting me as best as they can.

Lots of things are distracting me right now: sports, music, and a bit of retail therapy!

I’m just hoping things work out for me in November. I’m looking forward to getting away.🤞

The eternal sunshine tour presale is in a few hours. I really hope I get tickets!! That would make me so, so happy. PLSSS. 🩵

Well, I bid you all adieu.

Later!

b

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Health stuff.

I’m retaining water in my belly. Ahh! I’m pretty anxious and nervous about it because the radiologist isn’t sure what’s causing it. He advised to get a CT scan to get a better look.🤞I sent a message to my primary care doctor. Hopefully she gets back to me soon. The plan is to drain it. Knew this wasn’t just in my head. I always questioned why my tummy looked like that in the mirror and in pics. Now I know there’s something going on.

It’s officially a new month and I’m thinking about a lot!!! I want the rest of the year to go well, but feeling meh. 😭 Doing my best to stay positive.

Still in a spat with my siblings. I need my space and my peace right now so I’m not engaging. Byeee.

Work is officially back this week and school! Might teach, but depends on the course and the hours. We’ll see.

Giants baseball right now is 🔥🔥🔥! Keep it up, boys.

Just listening to music. Manifesting Ariana tix for the eternal sunshine tour. PLSSS!!! 🩵 I need them.

Good night.

b

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Portland 2025.🌲

It was an adventure getting up there, but I made it happen!!! Long story short: the booking agency I went through took my money, but they never finalized the reservation. No wonder no one could find it!!! I got to SFO at 4am to figure things out. I was scrambling trying to finalize another flight. Thankfully I was hella resourceful and I made it happen for myself. I did have to fork over some money, but I made it to the original flight I was supposed to be on. 😮‍💨

Isay picked me up at PDX! At this point, I hadn’t slept. I was a little delirious. So after Costco, we had breakfast at their place and we were all able to nap for a few hours. I was just happy to settle in. Cookie made my trip that much more fun! She reminded me so much of Beari. 🥹🐶

We did a little bit of shopping. I was really mindful of what I was going to buy. Most of my money went to food and drinks. I was able to buy postcards at Powell’s and Multnomah Falls. Lived out my Twilight dreamzzz. It was amazing!!! 🩵

I was still dealing with dumb thoughts about these stupid people, but it is what it is. I’m in the bay. Byeee! 😒😤

I’ve been trying to catch up on rest and sleep since I’ve returned. I hated my flight back because I was in the middle seat. My neck was also annoying me. I slept wrong the day before so that didn’t help.

I never want to deal with travel mishaps ever again, especially flying!!! I was so irritated. The booking agency kept gaslighting me too. “The reservation is there.” No, it’s not. Stop pissing me off. Had to file a claim with my bank. Never fucking again!!!

Anyway, I’m tired. Giants won! Woo. Trying to enjoy my time off. Before you know it, I’ll be back to work and school. I am not ready. I need some fun and spontaneity in my life. 😏

Good night.

b

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Japan!

It’s finally happening. I’ve been talking about this trip for so long. I mustered up all of my courage and booked my plane tickets for November. First solo international trip and my first time in Asia!!

I’ve been watching reels, YouTube videos, and everything in between to prep for this adventure. I’m anxious and very excited!!! I’m looking forward to taking all of these pics: food, tourist attractions, shrines, still life of the city, and heck even videos! I’ve been trying to do that more since I don’t do that enough.

I’m hoping I meet a lot of great people out there. The one thing that’s making me a bit nervous is navigating public transit. If I get lost, don’t panic. I’m confident with my sense of direction. It never hurts to ask for help either! ☺️

It’s my Monday today. I don’t want it to be the weekend yet. I’m dealing with a lot of feelings and emotions. Ahh! Part of me knows I shouldn’t. We shall see.

Good night. 💜

b

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