Day 203.

I dealt with a lot of pain today. I was sleepy and fatigued for most of my day. I’m boring. 😂

Good news: I got my sunnies face the perfector stick! I can’t wait to try it. Maybe tomorrow? You can blur your skin and add balm. The dewy look.

Animal Crossing update: It’s October! Spooky season is here. I have a mini pumpkin patch on my island. Hopefully the pumpkins grow in a few days. Can’t wait to decorate everything orange and black. 🎃 Bud is gone and Vivian moves in tomorrow.

I watched postseason baseball today. I caught the A’s and the Padres. Everyone except our rivals. Go teams! 😎

I had a very productive session with my therapist today. I was almost on the verge of tears, but I stopped myself. I am valid. I am worthy. I will not dwell on the past. I tried. Now it’s time to move on. 💪🏼 I can!

Today is also the start of Lupus Awareness Month! Sarah used to always spread visibility and awareness. We’ll continue the story. We miss her so much. 💜

I’ve got my flu shot appointment tomorrow. I’m so ready! The AQI is getting bad again. I hope it won’t take long. I’ll walk fast.

That was my Thursday. Hoping to do more this upcoming weekend! Take care, y’all.

Good night.

b

Day 80.

Happy Sunday! I can’t believe it’s June tomorrow. May tested me, but I made it.

My heart and my body have been heavy. My mind has been restless. Although I’m not physically able to march and protest with the country, I’m in solidarity online especially with my social media platforms and my blog. It makes me so mad when people say a lot of ignorant things online. Racism is learned behavior. Let’s dismantle it!!! #BlackLivesMatter

I played some Animal Crossing and I practiced my uke. Video games and music make me happy.

I took care of some chores too. But I need to tackle my room. I really want to be productive this week. It’s a new month!

Lastly, I want to remember my friend Sarah. I miss her dearly and I think of her often. We love you. 💜💜💜💜💜 #lupuswarriors

Hope you all had a nice Sunday. Take care!

Good night.

b

Day 13.

I’m feeling a bit better today. Clarity. And a nice nap helped me out. After many delays, my medication is now in my hands. Thank goodness! I’m so very grateful to my medical team for always being clutch. They really are miracle workers! Shoutout to my pharmacy too for being so patient and helpful with me when I was super upset. That happened yesterday. I already feel better after taking my regular dose. Lastly, thank you to UPS. It was tough, but y’all pulled through during these chaotic times.

I’m also super grateful to my supportive friends and family for letting me vent and checking in. Hi Bianca, Jamie, and Brea! 💕

Broad City is bringing all the laughs. The final season! I’ve got five more episodes to watch. I’ll space it out. 🙂 Gotta be productive these next few days. It doesn’t have to be big tasks. Progress is progress. I’m thinking of taking up a new hobby. Yay!

Hope all your Wednesdays went well. I’m still pretty tired. The stress these last few days have been unreal, but I made it.

Until next time. Good night!

b

Day 12.

Invalidation. That’s all I need to say right now. This day has taken an emotional toll on me. You think people have your back, but at the end of the day they don’t. “Because it isn’t cancer.” What a dumb thing to say. Ignorance at its finest and quite offensive. This isn’t the time to pin health conditions against each other. Every condition matters and we fall into the vulnerable population during this pandemic. In solidarity with all of you. ❤️

I wish I could run away, but there’s nowhere to go.

I’m mad. I’m frustrated, I’m anxious. I’m scared.

Good night.

b

LET ME THINK 31.

It’s been a while since I’ve done this. I’m writing to let go of my anxiety. I’m feeling miserable about myself. I’m trying to breathe. Trying to be rational. But my overthinking always gets the best of me. I hate it.

I’m in dire need of my heart medication. I’ve never been without it. I’m so upset. I’ve cried a bit. When I’m overwhelmed, I cry.

Holding onto hope. There’s so much going on in the world, but this medication is essential to my wellbeing. I’m scared. I’ve contacted my team, I’m in touch with the pharmacy, and I will give UPS a call in the morning.

You’re swamped. I get it. But I’m on the road to getting myself more sick if I don’t take my meds. The life of a chronic condition patient. I don’t have anything to hide. This has been my life since I was 17 and then diagnosed with my heart condition at 20. This pandemic just reemphasizes the struggles of chronic condition patients. This is our reality. Whenever this pandemic passes, our realities remain the same. Struggle and survival.

I’m going to try to sleep, but I don’t know if I can.

b

Day 1.

Today was originally an in service day for work. So until Sunday it’s like a regular weekend. But starting Monday 3/16 up until the 27th work will be closed. It could potentially be for longer, but I’m hoping and praying it isn’t.

I obviously don’t have control over the situation and the same can be said for others. I’m trying to remain positive during this turbulent time in our nation + the world. It’s definitely different from my routine.

I’m planning to work on myself, but at the top of my list is rest & recharging. I will also tackle driving. These next few days will be me time. I also fall into the immunocompromised demographic. I’ve always been good about washing my hands. Touching my face is a different story. I will miss social gatherings, but social distancing is absolutely critical. I plan to blog everyday that I’m off. That way I can remember and reflect.

Sunny has been keeping me busy. I love his films! I Fine..Thank You..Love You is the best. I can watch it forever honestly. 😊🥰

Wishing you all well. Please be safe! ❤️

b

Isolation.

As of late, I’ve felt a void. I really miss my friend, Sarah. It hasn’t been the same since her passing.

I’ve been much more vocal with my own personal struggles with my chronic conditions. I think the first step is acceptance. When I was a teenager, I was so ashamed and in denial. I didn’t want anyone to know. I already felt different from my peers. It was tough trying to fit in and finding that group of friends that would support you through it all. As I got older, I found those people and to this day they still have my back. You know who you are. Thank you for all of your love, support, and affirmation through the years. Encouragement goes a long way! ❤

Sarah was a strong advocate for Lupus awareness. It’s reignited a lot inside of me to create more visibility and awareness. Many still don’t know what the condition is and what it does to a patient’s body. Especially the side effects of medication. Every patient is different. Some symptoms are shared. It really is a snowflake condition. There’s so much research being done to find that cure. But I’m hopeful. And I’ll continue to be.

I want to honor Sarah’s memory the best way that I can. I’m planning to participate in the Lupus walk this year. But it’s been tough. I miss sending her messages and checking in whenever we could. I definitely cherish all the college memories we had together. Thank you for reaching out first and most especially your friendship. I’ll never forget your kindness.

You’re truly missed, Sarah. ❤

b

RIP Sarah. 💜

I’ve been processing so much in the last 24 hours. I’m so sad. Today was a heavy day for me, but I went about with my routine. I thought of you throughout the day.

Ultimately, I just want to say thank you. When I transferred to UC Davis, it took a lot of adjustment with upper division classes, making friends, socializing, and getting used to Davis itself. When Kengar connected us, I was grateful. I didn’t feel so isolated and I had someone to lean on about everything. Thank you for reaching out. I still remember chatting on FB Messenger and sharing our stories with each other.

I’ll remember the Lupus walks we participated in together. It was empowering to be in that shared space. Your advocacy was inspiring. The picture above was the last walk we did together before you went off to SD and then Hawaii. Social media kept us connected. Even from afar, you were a cheerleader!

You’ve impacted my life in so many ways. I’ll miss your presence, your smile, and especially your laugh. Thank you again for your friendship. You’ll truly be missed. Rest well, beautiful warrior. I love you. 💜💜💜💜💜 #LupusWarriors

Bernadette