LET ME THINK 31.

It’s been a while since I’ve done this. I’m writing to let go of my anxiety. I’m feeling miserable about myself. I’m trying to breathe. Trying to be rational. But my overthinking always gets the best of me. I hate it.

I’m in dire need of my heart medication. I’ve never been without it. I’m so upset. I’ve cried a bit. When I’m overwhelmed, I cry.

Holding onto hope. There’s so much going on in the world, but this medication is essential to my wellbeing. I’m scared. I’ve contacted my team, I’m in touch with the pharmacy, and I will give UPS a call in the morning.

You’re swamped. I get it. But I’m on the road to getting myself more sick if I don’t take my meds. The life of a chronic condition patient. I don’t have anything to hide. This has been my life since I was 17 and then diagnosed with my heart condition at 20. This pandemic just reemphasizes the struggles of chronic condition patients. This is our reality. Whenever this pandemic passes, our realities remain the same. Struggle and survival.

I’m going to try to sleep, but I don’t know if I can.

b

LET ME THINK 29.

I’m not in a good place right now. 2019 just started and there’s too much going on.

Mental health is important and I’m taking steps to take care of myself holistically. These last few days have been difficult. Being belittled and feeling insignificant is damning.

But I’m taking my power back.

I’ll be on hiatus for now. I still want to complete what’s left of my 2018 weekly photo entries. But I’m quite broken and incomplete. I just need time to myself.

Thanks and see y’all on the other side!

b

LET ME THINK 27.

Currently playing: Martha My Dear

I’m a crying mess.

I’ve always been an emotional person ever since I can remember. Death is a part of life and I’ve dealt with it for the last two years: relatives and pets.

I find myself sleeping late. My sleeping patterns haven’t regulated. I also find myself looking for Coco. She was a big part of our routine. I miss washing her bowl, getting her food ready, and sitting with her on my lap as we all watched TV. I think one of the reasons why I haven’t been too keen on updating my blog is because it was her last few weeks with us and we didn’t even know it at the time. 😦

(I will update when I’m ready. I just need some time.)

I’ve been looking through old pictures. It’s comforting, but also very sad. Time flies. And it never stops even if you want it to.

The dogs I grew up with have taught me so much: how to love, to be a friend, to be patient, to be kind, and to be comforting. I miss all of them every day. I’ll never forget them. Thank you for everything.

Good night.

b

LET ME THINK 26.

I’m very upset right now. I feel invalidated. I feel like I don’t matter.

These last few days have been hard, but everything from here on out will just be harder. How much more can I possibly take? What’s my purpose? I’m so broken. I’m so empty. I don’t know what else I can possibly do.

The nagging, the criticism, and the comparing is all too much. I do my best to take everything in constructively and sometimes I can’t.

I’m hurt. I’m mad.

I’m feeling hopeless.

b

LET ME THINK 25.

I’m in the middle of a week in photos entry. It’s taken me a while to sit down and get it done. There’s a lot going on in my life right now. I think I vented about it in my last post.

So many feelings and emotions. No one to really talk to about it. Blogging helps and so does listening to music. sweetener is giving me motivation and hope. Ariana is so good! I’m hoping to see her in concert soon.

I’m getting grey hairs. It’s not bad. Growing old is a privilege. So I’m thankful.

I went to Uniqlo three times last week. I’m stocking up on warm clothes. Mostly layering and scarves! Their beanies are cool too. I think it’s my favorite store right now. You can get everything there.

Anyway, I’m getting sleepy. Hoping to stay positive the rest of the week. I’m in an odd place, but I’m sure I’ll get out of it. Hope all is well.

b

LET ME THINK 24.

I drank way too much caffeine. This is why I almost always order everything decaf. Whoops.

I’m overwhelmed by my own thoughts. This is why I’m blogging it out. Change is on the horizon. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. But it’s absolutely necessary.

Staying away from a lot of social media. #sfgiants #duh #blah

I’m glad basketball is back. Yay! But I cannot with ESPN right now.

Brainstorming travel plans. We’ll see.

Okay, I’m getting tired. Good night.

b

LET ME THINK 23.

I’m currently dealing with insomnia. I mean I did nap for about 3 hours yesterday.

I haven’t been feeling the greatest. I dealt with a scratchy throat for most of the weekend. And now I’m dealing with cold symptoms. Not fun. My runny nose is annoying. I have some slight congestion. I have a bit of a tension headache right now. Ugh. I don’t have much energy.

I hope I feel better by the time I wake up. That’s if I can get a good night’s rest.

That’s my life update. There are so many other things going on, but this too shall pass. I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Good night.

b

LET ME THINK 22.

I’m still processing the passing of my friend. I knew this time would come, but it was too soon.

I miss our conversations. Being able to connect with someone who also has the same heart condition gave me comfort. I didn’t feel so alone and misunderstood. There were shared frustrations and fears. Despite that, we were able to talk about tv, makeup, and food. It was nice. From there, we connected with other individuals like us. We became a community.

Her writing was strong. And I always resonated with it. When she mentions milestones, I totally get it. Some of those are (still) unattainable for me. At times, I can’t help but feel guilty, unloved, and envious of my peers. I always ask myself, “Why did my life turn out this way?” Sometimes I just overly obsess about it to no avail. Unfortunately, I still don’t have an answer.

I’ll continue to hold out hope for a cure. It is absolutely needed. I don’t want to hear about life expectancies and limitations. You create your own future. Your thoughts are powerful. And I’ll continue to keep going. This is my reality.

This quote is all over social media: “If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit.” I intend to do just that.

Can’t stop, won’t stop. #PHighters

b