LET ME THINK 26.

I’m very upset right now. I feel invalidated. I feel like I don’t matter.

These last few days have been hard, but everything from here on out will just be harder. How much more can I possibly take? What’s my purpose? I’m so broken. I’m so empty. I don’t know what else I can possibly do.

The nagging, the criticism, and the comparing is all too much. I do my best to take everything in constructively and sometimes I can’t.

I’m hurt. I’m mad.

I’m feeling hopeless.

b

LET ME THINK 25.

I’m in the middle of a week in photos entry. It’s taken me a while to sit down and get it done. There’s a lot going on in my life right now. I think I vented about it in my last post.

So many feelings and emotions. No one to really talk to about it. Blogging helps and so does listening to music. sweetener is giving me motivation and hope. Ariana is so good! I’m hoping to see her in concert soon.

I’m getting grey hairs. It’s not bad. Growing old is a privilege. So I’m thankful.

I went to Uniqlo three times last week. I’m stocking up on warm clothes. Mostly layering and scarves! Their beanies are cool too. I think it’s my favorite store right now. You can get everything there.

Anyway, I’m getting sleepy. Hoping to stay positive the rest of the week. I’m in an odd place, but I’m sure I’ll get out of it. Hope all is well.

b

LET ME THINK 24.

I drank way too much caffeine. This is why I almost always order everything decaf. Whoops.

I’m overwhelmed by my own thoughts. This is why I’m blogging it out. Change is on the horizon. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. But it’s absolutely necessary.

Staying away from a lot of social media. #sfgiants #duh #blah

I’m glad basketball is back. Yay! But I cannot with ESPN right now.

Brainstorming travel plans. We’ll see.

Okay, I’m getting tired. Good night.

b

LET ME THINK 23.

I’m currently dealing with insomnia. I mean I did nap for about 3 hours yesterday.

I haven’t been feeling the greatest. I dealt with a scratchy throat for most of the weekend. And now I’m dealing with cold symptoms. Not fun. My runny nose is annoying. I have some slight congestion. I have a bit of a tension headache right now. Ugh. I don’t have much energy.

I hope I feel better by the time I wake up. That’s if I can get a good night’s rest.

That’s my life update. There are so many other things going on, but this too shall pass. I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Good night.

b

LET ME THINK 22.

I’m still processing the passing of my friend. I knew this time would come, but it was too soon.

I miss our conversations. Being able to connect with someone who also has the same heart condition gave me comfort. I didn’t feel so alone and misunderstood. There were shared frustrations and fears. Despite that, we were able to talk about tv, makeup, and food. It was nice. From there, we connected with other individuals like us. We became a community.

Her writing was strong. And I always resonated with it. When she mentions milestones, I totally get it. Some of those are (still) unattainable for me. At times, I can’t help but feel guilty, unloved, and envious of my peers. I always ask myself, “Why did my life turn out this way?” Sometimes I just overly obsess about it to no avail. Unfortunately, I still don’t have an answer.

I’ll continue to hold out hope for a cure. It is absolutely needed. I don’t want to hear about life expectancies and limitations. You create your own future. Your thoughts are powerful. And I’ll continue to keep going. This is my reality.

This quote is all over social media: “If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit.” I intend to do just that.

Can’t stop, won’t stop. #PHighters

b

LET ME THINK 21.

  1. Disneyland, you’re always so much fun! But I’m drained by the end of it. Until next time. ❤️
  2. My summer vacation is winding down. It’s almost back to school!
  3. I must catch up on blog entries. I’ve said it time and time again. I really do need to bounce back.
  4. I’ve watched To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before multiple times. I absolutely love the movie. I want my own Peter!!
  5. I’m pretty out of it. Time to sleep. Good night!

xoxo,

b

LET ME THINK 20.

There’s a lot going on, but it’s all good! One day at a time. 🙂

I’m doing my best to enjoy my time off! I love being busy, but we all need a break now and then.

I’m prepping for my medical procedure. Looking at the positives. I should be okay. But man, do I miss regular food. And wine 😛

Always a great time catching up with friends! So much positivity all around ❤️ I’m so grateful.

Well, this is good night. Happy weekend to all!!

b

LET ME THINK 19.

I’m sleepless sometimes and then I crash. These last few weeks have been something. I must confront everything at this point. Avoidance doesn’t work. 😦 Staying positive is difficult. I must block out the noise and negativity. I tell myself to keep going and I will.

Prayer has helped me. Reading is also comforting.

Please send good vibes. 

Thank you.

b

LET ME THINK 18.

It was a long week. The weekend was restless for me.

The next couple of weeks are going to test my patience, mentality, and focus. I just have to keep going! #resilience Family is keeping me afloat. There will be better days. I know it!!!

On another note, I’ve been thinking about love. All my past crushes and unrequited love. I wish them all well! But wouldn’t it be crazy if I randomly bumped into one of them and suddenly we reconnected?! Yeah, right. Haha. Stranger things have happened.

This is also a reminder that I can do anything! Reach for the stars.

I’m tired. Good night and have a great week!

b

LET ME THINK 17.

I’m gonna switch this one up a bit. Anyway, I’m sleepy, but I can’t sleep. Not until I get this off of my chest.

Am I hard to love? Am I looking for love in all of the wrong places? Am I being proactive about love? Some of the many questions that go on in my anxiety filled mind.

I think I do my best to be my most genuine self and sometimes it still doesn’t feel enough. I feel like putting myself out there will just be disappointing every time. Am I not opening myself up enough? I have my reservations. I’ve been hurt in the past, so my walls are very high. I might’ve mentioned this in a previous entry. I easily am hurt when people disrespect me. At times, I feel like I’m not being taken seriously. On top of that, I’ve encountered people who pose as your wing person only to have them betray you. I understand that everyone isn’t the same, but that one incident stung. I really thought I could trust her. I revisit it a lot and I wish I could’ve done it differently. Instead of telling her that it was okay. Because it wasn’t.

In the words of Kylo Ren, “Let the past die.” Oh believe me, I’m trying.

Now I’m ready to sleep.

Good night.

b