LET ME THINK 32.

Maintaining friendships has always been a challenge for me. I think a lot of it just stems from my own anxiety and just feeling disconnected. We constantly move through so many spaces. And I’ve been thinking about this a lot since the shelter in place.

People change and they are allowed to elevate themselves. We’re never really the same people. These past friendships did serve me a purpose. And if I can think of one word to connect all of them it would be growth. Some friendships have expiration dates and I’ve accepted that. But I do yearn for what was. I’ve always been nostalgic and reflect on the past. I don’t stay there. I guess you can consider it a pit stop.

During this pandemic, it’s allowed me to hold my loved ones dear. I miss my family and my friends. But the connection is still there. I’d like to continue that with folks from my past. Even if it’s just a text saying hello. I think now more than ever, we all need connection.

What an uncertain time, but all we can do is just go with it.

That’s my spiel. Later!

b

Day 13.

I’m feeling a bit better today. Clarity. And a nice nap helped me out. After many delays, my medication is now in my hands. Thank goodness! I’m so very grateful to my medical team for always being clutch. They really are miracle workers! Shoutout to my pharmacy too for being so patient and helpful with me when I was super upset. That happened yesterday. I already feel better after taking my regular dose. Lastly, thank you to UPS. It was tough, but y’all pulled through during these chaotic times.

I’m also super grateful to my supportive friends and family for letting me vent and checking in. Hi Bianca, Jamie, and Brea! 💕

Broad City is bringing all the laughs. The final season! I’ve got five more episodes to watch. I’ll space it out. 🙂 Gotta be productive these next few days. It doesn’t have to be big tasks. Progress is progress. I’m thinking of taking up a new hobby. Yay!

Hope all your Wednesdays went well. I’m still pretty tired. The stress these last few days have been unreal, but I made it.

Until next time. Good night!

b

LET ME THINK 31.

It’s been a while since I’ve done this. I’m writing to let go of my anxiety. I’m feeling miserable about myself. I’m trying to breathe. Trying to be rational. But my overthinking always gets the best of me. I hate it.

I’m in dire need of my heart medication. I’ve never been without it. I’m so upset. I’ve cried a bit. When I’m overwhelmed, I cry.

Holding onto hope. There’s so much going on in the world, but this medication is essential to my wellbeing. I’m scared. I’ve contacted my team, I’m in touch with the pharmacy, and I will give UPS a call in the morning.

You’re swamped. I get it. But I’m on the road to getting myself more sick if I don’t take my meds. The life of a chronic condition patient. I don’t have anything to hide. This has been my life since I was 17 and then diagnosed with my heart condition at 20. This pandemic just reemphasizes the struggles of chronic condition patients. This is our reality. Whenever this pandemic passes, our realities remain the same. Struggle and survival.

I’m going to try to sleep, but I don’t know if I can.

b

Day 11.

I haven’t been sleeping at all. I stayed awake to see if there was a delivery update for my medication. At first it said yes, out for delivery! And then an hour or two later it said it’s been delayed. Lots of conflicting information. I get that couriers are swamped, but as I’ve communicated on social media – I’m waiting for medication, not an article of clothing.

I eventually fell asleep. I ended up missing two calls regarding my package. I’m hoping it gets here by end of day. I’m completely out of my medication. I went TWO days without it so I could ration. I felt like complete crap going off of it. This is the life of a chronic condition patient during these unprecedented times. I shouldn’t have to worry about this. I’m frustrated and annoyed. I did everything on my end. So I’m pleading to pls be clutch and get it to me today.

This is why I’ve been lacking productivity. I have no energy whatsoever. I’m just anxious all the time. It’s currently 6:47pm PDT. Still hoping for good news. And this is my rant of the day. Fin.

And please follow your government’s orders. Continue to stay at home so we can flatten the curve!

Lastly, Happy 1st Birthday, Jacob! We miss you. Sending you lots of love. 🥳❤️

Be well.

b

Day 10.

It was a really mellow Sunday for me. I slept a lot and I woke up to eat. Nourishment is important. 🙂 I had toast with peanut butter, a banana, and decaf Tim Hortons coffee.

I rewatched the 2016 NCAA National Championship – Villanova vs. UNC. Still so epic! One of the best games I’ve ever seen.

And then I took a nap. Much needed. Had dinner a little late, but it was worth it. I had an instant pho bowl. We got it from Costco. Pretty legit. Finished leftovers from Wingstop.

I’m hoping to have a much more productive week. I wish you all well.

Good night.

b

Day 9.

I really thought it was day 10. LOL. Like I said, the days are just blending together. I’m losing count. Typical Saturday for me. I didn’t sleep well because I was worried about my medication delivery. It’s being held at a center here in the city, so I’m hoping it’ll be out for delivery again on Monday. From what I’m told, it was some kind of an emergency. I hope everything is okay. Thank you, UPS for delivering! This hasn’t happened to me before, but I understand. It’s the new normal for everyone.

I’m planning to figure out my routine in the next few days. I find myself to be more productive when I’m dressed and ready for the day. I just gotta put it into practice. Nothing compares to a cozy & warm bed though. Netflix is my fallback too. My screen time is horrendous. I’m putting that out into the world.

I rewatched a bit of Lost in Translation. It’s the next best thing. We’ll all eventually get to see Japan. But until then, movies, tv, and books will have to do.

I got my Cadbury chocolate! Easter candy, woo!! 🙂 Target was clutch with the online orders. It’s such a good alternative to leaving the house. I’m a freaking hermit nowadays.

Highlight of my day: catching up with friends on Zoom! It was nice to see what everyone is up to during this shelter in place. We’re all on the same boat. We can get through this together! Cheers to video games especially Nintendo! And a shoutout to Bern. We missed you! Hope dinner was delicious. Catch you next time.

Screen Shot 2020-03-21 at 8.52.24 PM
I need a good night’s sleep. I’m ready, haha.

Be safe and well! ❤

b

Day 6.

I was pretty tired today, so I slept in. My sleeping schedule is messed up. I did take care of some important business regarding bills especially my student loans. 🙏🏼 Family and friends checked in on us today too. Everyone is doing well and I hope the same for everyone else.

I watched the news. I like to stay informed. And when I’m not watching TV, I’m on Twitter getting my info.

It was a pretty chill day. I did watch Crazy Beautiful You. Filipino movies always make me laugh. Forevermore was my fave back in the day. Jericho Rosales! ❤️

Dinner was good – Spam, eggs, and rice. Comfort food ftw!

Lastly, I finally watched Doja Cat’s mv for Say So. Super fun and retro! The song is so catchy. And that dude 😍 but he’s supposedly a mystery. Lol.

That was my Wednesday. Until next time.

b